129: HSPs & Complex Trauma Series: Holiday Tips for HSPs

Welcome to episode 2 of a brand new Women In-Depth series hosted by Lourdes Viado and Carmen Schmidt Benedetti.  This series focuses on highly sensitive persons (HSPs) who have experienced complex trauma. In this episode, Lourdes and Carmen share tips that can help HSPs create holidays that are calmer and less stressful, and these tips can be used everyday in a variety of situations, not just the holidays! Dr. Lourdes Viado is a psychotherapist for anxious and overwhelmed highly sensitive women in Las Vegas, Nevada.  She is a Myers-Briggs Typology Indicator (MBTI) Certified Practitioner and integrates Jungian psychology, mindfulness, neuroscience, and astrology into her work with clients.  She is also the host of the Women In-Depth Podcast:  Conversations about the Inner Lives of Women, which has been downloaded over 350,000x in 96 countries. Carmen Schmidt Benedetti is a psychotherapist for highly sensitive womxn in Sonoma County, California. She helps them to heal layers of unrecognized childhood trauma and create calm, balance and stability in their life. As a Certified EMDR therapist, Carmen guides adults in reframing their past from an empowered perspective, coming to believe they are ‘good enough’ and their needs and feelings matter   Topics discussed in this episode:

• Tips & suggestions for navigating the holidays and staying calm, centered & grounded (1:49)
  • Specific to Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) (2:01)
  • Everyone can benefit from ways to calm their nervous system (2:10)
  • Also useful for navigating everyday life (2:21)
• Clarification and definition of “trigger” or “triggers” (2:25)
  • Use of the word can be upsetting (2:54)
• Alternate words will be used to interchangeably describing the feeling of being emotionally charged by something that has happened (3:07)
  • Alternatives: reactive, distressed, activated, emotionally charged (3:12)
  • There is a need to prepare or respond in order to cope with whatever is happening to you effectively (3:52)
• Boundaries as a framework for discussion (4:23)
• Time: having boundaries around your time
  • When planning your time, be very clear from the start (5:14)
  • Clearly communicate and set expectations (5:29)
  • Setup cue words with partner to signal it’s time to leave (5:53)
  • Asking for time to make a decision (6:24)
  • Building time to transition and decompress into your schedule (7:02)
  • Lighten your schedule during the holiday season (7:35)
• Boundary setting is a great skill for HSPs to learn (8:09)
  • Will help you feel safe & in control (8:24)
  • Will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed (8:24)
  • Connection between feeling calm and centered and how well you are setting your boundaries (8:43)
• Your body & your physical space (8:54)
  • How much you allow yourself to take on in terms of your energy level (9:08)
  • Self care is another essential skill for HSPs (9:53)
  • Balancing nurturing and supporting others while honoring your needs (10:57)
  • Being mindful of those around you and their energy and emotions (11:43)
  • HSPs will mirror the energy and emotions of those around them, both positive and negative (11:47)
  • Pay attention to clues that you are beginning to get overwhelmed (12:34)
• Develop strategies to calm your nervous system when you are overwhelmed (13:18)
  • Unplugging, turning off your screens, going for a walk outside (13:41)
  • Diaphragmatic or belly breathing activates your relaxation system (14:02)
  • Explore techniques which give your senses a break (15:17)
  • Limiting alcohol, caffeine and sugar due to the intense effect they can have on HSPs (15:32)
• Tips for events and traveling (16:02)
  • Create smaller gatherings (16:03)
  • Choose accommodations, ways of traveling, and locations that limit overstimulation (17:08)
  • Develop a strategy for hugs and handshakes and communicate your preference to friends and family (17:43)
    • Avoid hurt feelings and awkwardness in the moment (17:47)
  • Create your own sacred space or retreat (18:24)
    • A place for you to rejuvenate and restore (18:29)
    • Set boundaries around this space with your loved ones (18:57)
  • Whatever works for you around taking care and protecting you and your family is ok (20:14)
  • Intellectual or communication boundaries (21:16)
    • Being clear and direct about your needs (21:29)
    • Avoid using qualifiers which diminish the clarity of your boundary (22:54)
    • Saying no is acceptable and no explanation is necessary (22:56)
    • Communicating in writing can be easier (23:33)
  • Emotional Boundaries (26:51)
    • Disagreements, differences of opinions & hurt feelings from others can be particularly challenging for HSPs (27:03)
    • HSPs default is to notice and nurture the emotions of others (27:42)
    • Important to focus on your well being and sense of calm (28:14)
    • Balance acknowledging the emotions of others while honoring how you feel (29:10)
  • Boundary setting is uncomfortable (30:37)
    • If you are setting boundaries where they are needed, you will experience pushback (30:53)
    • People and situations who have difficulty with boundaries are the ones who need it the most (31:08)
    • Recognize that stress and discomfort is normal with boundary setting (31:15)
    • Reminder: you are not responsible for others’ feelings or reactions (31:47)
  • Choose and create experiences that help you bring you joy and help you feel calm and grounded (33:32)
  • Being assertive is related to boundary setting (34:02)
    • Being clear about what you want, expressing it, and expressing how you feel (34:08)
  • Do the things that help your body decompress (35:02)
    • Exercise or getting enough sleep (35:08)
    • Hobbies that help you relax: journaling or creating art (35:18)
  • Being present for your moments of joy to give you strength during moments with difficult emotions (35:57)
  • Holidays are particularly challenging for survivors of trauma (36:10)
    • Important to create places and people who can support you (36:23)
      • For example: therapist, a podcast, a good friend or family member (36:44)
      • Schedule an extra session with your therapist or phone call with a friend to help process your emotions (37:07)
    • Energetic Boundaries (37:21)
      • Importance of managing energy and emotions to stay grounded (37:32)
      • HSPs tend to take on a lot of energy from others (37:50)
      • Slowing down during times of increased hustle and bustle like the holiday season (38:31)
      • Recognizing that the holiday season can be associated with negative experiences and the need to manage those emotions (39:03)
      • Staying focused on the present moment and what you can do right now (39:37)
      • Simplifying where you can (40:30)
        • Keep your meals basic and simple to make them easier to manage (40:35)
      • Being gentle and compassionate with yourself and your energetic capacity (41:38)
    • Financial and Material Aspects of Life (43:18)
      • Being intentional about gifting (43:44)
        • How many gifts are you buying? (43:44)
        • Who is on your list? (43:45)
        • What is your budget? (43:47)
      • Establishing expectations around decorations (43:58)
      • Exploring gifts that will create memories (44:41)
      • Recognizing that financial circumstance are very different for many people right now (45:30)
      • Exploring alternatives to spending money (46:10)
    • Carmen and Lourdes are available for online therapy for those seeking extra support in California and Nevada (47:06)
      • For those outside of California & Nevada, Dr. Elaine Aron’s website: The Highly Sensitive Person (hsperson.com) has a list of therapists with experience working with HSPs (47:40)
      • Carmen and Lourdes can also assist with referrals (48:10)